Insight on Being a Stepparent in a blended family.
Join me as we delve into some of the highs and lows of being a stepparent in a blended family!
It might sound scary to pursue a partner with kids from a prior relationship, and it may seem overwhelming at points in the initial phase of getting to know one another.
And it is, But let me tell you first hand it’s a beautiful thing to come alongside.
Don’t get me wrong, it’s work and not always easy! But It can be done and done well.
I will say there are many moving pieces to this scenario. Sometimes it’s a long road for the relationship between the stepparent and the stepchildren to develop, yet in other circumstances, the bond is built relatively quickly.
However, no matter where you find yourself on the spectrum, you have to recognize that by taking on your spouse, you’re also taking on the attached kids; they’re now also part of your responsibility in life. And in case that wasn’t clear enough, that means. In any regard, you are to look out for, care for, and provide for them just as you would your own “flesh and blood” because they are your own “flesh and blood” now, maybe not biologically, but they are yours.
Myself, I don’t have “biological” kids of my own. But I consider these ”step-kids” just as much my flesh and blood as I do the blood coursing through my veins.
With that said, let’s first look at the textbook definition of a “blended family.”
Merriam-Webster dictionary defines it as “a family that includes children of a previous marriage of one spouse or both.”
Here are a few classic dynamics when it comes to step-families.
”4) THE CONFLICT OF LOYALTIES: This issue must be recognized as particular to step. Every person in step is affected. The child, just as he begins to have caring feelings toward a stepparent, will often negatively act out. It goes something like this, “If I love you, I don’t love my real parent.” The child often feels the need to bring up “Mommy” in Daddy’s house and “Daddy” in Mommy’s house. That same conflict of loyalties also exists for the adults… my child calls me – my spouse calls me, who do I answer first? The mother wonders if her young son should eat alone while she and her new husband have a romantic dinner. The father feels guilty on visitation when his child wants to be alone with him and not with his new wife. The emotional and time demands of step can be conflicting and overwhelming. In the intact family, the conflicts seldom reach these “no-win” levels of confusion. *** In step, we lose if we do not recognize, prioritize, and organize these multiply conflicts of loyalties.”
step-family foundation blog
Let’s dig into this one.
While it is true that there are those dynamics, I’m sitting here as a living, breathing testament to tell you I’m just as much a father to these kids, if not more of a father to them, than their biological father. You say, now that’s just hubris; nope, just nope. I’ll leave it at that.
I have come face-to-face with some of these facets like the kids talking about “daddy” and what they did at daddies. But honestly, they don’t talk about him much short of right before visiting him. Or right after a visit. Sometimes specific stories come up, but for the most part, it’s radio silence.
So I have this problem as the step-parent from time to time. “That same conflict of loyalties also exists for the adults… my child calls me – my spouse calls me, who do I answer first?”
And honestly, it varies how I solve the dilemma. Similarly, when playtime with the kiddos or hanging out with my wife is on the line, I’ll look over at my wife for a bit of assistance, and she’ll either shrug and chuckle about it, Or I’ll be like Hey, are you fine doing something a little later? And she’s often pretty agreeable. So I’ll get in some one on one time with the kiddos. Playtime even varies on what we’re doing because of the age gap between them.
On the flip side, the kids take the backseat to my wife due to XYZ reasons when we want to spend some time together. And they might not always agree with that decision, but sometimes that’s just how the cookie crumbles.
Yet another example from the same collection of instances:
”10) THERE ARE NO EX-PARENTS… ONLY EX-SPOUSES: We can never become an ex-parent. When we divorce, we must be aware of something we label as the “separation triangle.” We no longer relate as husband and wife; however, we continue to relate as mother and father, discussing ideas and events and making decisions that are important to guiding and parenting our children. **** In this culture, it became fashionable in the 1960s to “do your own thing.” In the 1970s, it was believed that divorce was freeing, fulfilling, and fun. In the 1980s, we are seeing chaotic care taking, spiraling materialism, and heavy doses of narcissism. We take note of studies which indicate a lack of interest in children and parenting. And, paradoxically, observe a resurgence of motherhood and marriage. This, despite the fact that the predicted divorce rate will be two out of three and the indication of the severe impact divorce, has on the children involved.”
This is certainly a consideration to account for, I would agree. If at all possible, you can keep the biological parent involved; it has benefits for the kids as well as for the primary parent and associated spouse. However, it’s not without its own struggles due to said scenario.
I won’t go into specific details here except to say kids aren’t stupid; we might think they’re not as perceptive as they are. But believe me; they are, so don’t think you’re pulling anything over on the kids; they know what’s what.
At the end of the day, the thing that’s going to truly matter the most! Will be genuine and sincere time spent with them.
Sure, you can throw money at the situation and try to solve it as the Democrats do with any hangnail of a problem that comes their way. But we both know how well that works for the Democrats time and time again…
Or Option Two, you can try to guilt them into feeling bad for wanting to spend time with you because you’re a “very busy person” who doesn’t have time for “tea parties” and pretend play!
There’s also Option Three! You can hire a nanny to watch and take care of your kids (assuming you’re rich enough to do so).
However, all of those are quite honestly the worst options you could pick! Instead, you should get creative and spend time with your kids in ways that make sense for you and the kids. Not every approach is going to work the same for every family. But what I can tell you is every child in any family will benefit and sincerely desires to have one-on-one time with their parents regardless of whether they’re stepparents or biological parents. Kids crave the love and adoration of their parents. And that spans across financial backgrounds too. Especially that of the rich because it’s too easy for the kids to get forgotten and brushed aside due to the “inconvenience” and “time constraints” of instilling values and principles into their kids. Instead, they go the easy route and hire a nanny to watch over their kids, never having many insightful interactions. With that said, we’re left with this memorable clip from a well-known show back in the 90s
Where the “rich” parents/guardians invested in the kids under their care.
Unfortunately, sometimes this is where things take a turn for the worse for some biological parents. If you can even call them that. Not every story has a happy ending…
Sometimes you find yourself at the end of the road, and there’s no longer a path to follow.
Well… in those times, you have two options Get bitter or Get better! Choose what you will, but believe you me. You will invariably pick one of these options. You might not readily realize it, but you will, given enough time and, in some cases, tequila. (Disclaimer: I’m not condoning self-medicating to deal with trauma > just merely stating that tequila loosens the lips)
You may be asking yourself how this qualifies to be published through this newsletter that has previously been very political and or controversial in nature. Well, the short and sweet of it is the Christian perspective on the family nucleus is in a fragile state of being. And now more than ever, we are challenged to demonstrate what a healthy, thriving, loving, Christ-honoring family is and should be. I could tell you about many things wrong with the invasive modern approach to the family nucleus. But I won’t because even though, at my core, I don’t agree with the rubbish being peddled in today’s society, they are people at the end of the day as well. Not only that, but they are people just trying to find their place in the world. I don’t agree with their viewpoints on sexuality or gender whatsoever. But, all that will be accomplished by continuing to trash them with stereotypical responses is not going to bring them closer to Jesus in the long run. In fact, it will just do the opposite. So I choose grace.
Rabbit trail aside!
We see here that there is a staggering statistics on step-families in America:
”Today, over 50% of families include partners who have remarried or recoupled, and 1,300 step-families are being formed every day. Some predict that the number of step-families will eventually exceed nuclear families.
Step-families that consist of a father, stepmother and his biological children make up only about 15% of all step-families. The most common composition of step-families – about 85% – consists of a mother, her biological children and a stepfather.”
Navigating being a Step-Dad
What are we to do with these statistics?
Well, you can look at it this way, as men, what are we to do when we step into a family dynamic where we aren’t in full control of how things play out or are dictated? Much less fully respected? Because believe it or not, there are families where the kids have such a low perspective on male figures in their lives that they don’t display respect for their prospective ‘stepfather.’ which in turn fuels a whole other situation. Are there step-parents out there that are just so terrible they fit the bill for “wicked step-parents?” Yes, of course, there are! But for every negative statistic, there are those out there that knock it out of the park and truly step in the gap, creating a completely different feel in the house. Accomplishing a sense of peace and safety within the home. Hats off to you, Men, for exuberating the proper perspective of what a father should be! And Women?! We congratulate you for stepping into the gap and making a house into a home when it wasn’t previously!
With all that said, I’ll leave you as the reader with this last chunk of insight to ponder
”While it’s critical for stepfathers to understand they aren’t a replacement for the biological father, they can play a supportive role in the home by being a patient and caring presence. By simply maintaining a healthier marriage than the one demonstrated by the kids’ biological parents, stepfathers can be a positive role model.
In the end, it’s a challenge and an opportunity. The challenge comes in rejecting previously held beliefs about what it means to be a father. Stepfathers – and I count myself as one – must avoid outmoded notions of compensating for the absent biological father or paternal dominance.
The opportunity comes in devising a parenting role that expresses the best and fullest aspects of being a man and a father figure. Done consciously and deliberately, the role and function of the stepfather can be tremendously fulfilling for all, and a source of lifelong joy and pride.”
Consider these points of interest continually as you venture into the territory of being a “step-parent” and, consequently, a “step-family.”